Work and Med Update

I'm adding another IV on Tuesday, Doxycycline. I'll be doing this IV two times a day, on top of the Rocephrin IV I already do one time a day.  We are working on adding a Glutathione IV so it's possible that I'll be on 4 IV infusions a day.

I am very sad to say that I had to cut back on working again. I was only working 2 days a week, non-consecutive days, but it still proved to difficult, and the pain and exhausted got to overwhelming to the point of barely being able to leave bed except to go to work. The Biltmore Company has always proven to be a compassionate company to work in different areas. Luckily my supervisors at the Carriage House are just as caring as my supervisor and coworkers at the farmyard and they are willing to do anything to help me be happy and be healthy. I'll only be working on Sunday's from here on out, until things start to get better. Hopefully with this added IV that I'll be feeling better faster and will be able to re-add another day to work, and hopefully even more!

Medical Update

My aunt sent me an email asking how I was feeling (thank you aunt Susie for checking on me 😸), and it turned out my email was a pretty good update. I haven't updated in a while so I thought I'd share what's going on with me recently:

I do this thing that I really have to learn to stop is that I still try and continue to do things full force. A lot of days I just flat out can't do anything but those days where I have a slight bit of energy I always really over do it because I want to have a "normal" life.

I did start back working and they are soooo understanding of everything and are allowing me to work minimally and do what I need to do to recover, so it's nice to be able to work, even if for a day or two after I can't get out of bed. It gives me something.

I got the PICC line placed today. Should know tomorrow what antibiotics I'll be put back on. Last PICC I had was July - Dec of last year, but in September my body started rejecting all medications and I had to stop everything. At tommys wedding I was bit by another tick and had a bullseye rash (Lyme on east coast is different than west coast, too) and because of my antibiotic resistance they couldn't do anything to treat it. They've tried periodically to restart antibiotics and I think in February the oral ones started to help again, but have killed my stomach. I can't hold food down very well, and it's miserable. That's gone on for about two months, and we tried several other things before deciding I needed to go back on the PICC. Christmas Day I had to use a cane for the first time to help me walk. :( it's been on and off having to use it, I do everything i possibly can not to use it because it's embarrassing to me. I really need to use it at work but I absolutely refuse to. 

This last two months, too, I've been in so much pain. I don't like the use prescription pain pills and whenever they give them to me in the hospital or my doctor prescribes them I end up kind of hoarding them... I have collected a lot in the last two years, but have gone through all of them these last two months. My doctor did find a pain medication patch that will give me a constant pain relief for 3 days without the mental side effects that make you feel loopy and weird (which is what I absolutely hate). So far it works okay.

Neurological wise I've been hit pretty bad since February. I am having a really hard time writing, and typing stuff that makes sense. I keep messing up works and having a hard time counting. The concept of being able to count time (like 30 minutes from now) is almost completely gone, I just can't do it for some reason. Whenever I go on break at work I have to text mom to get her to tell me when 30 minutes are up.

Hopefully once I start the IV antibiotics the pain, and issues with my mind will slowly go away. I do think I'm strong (and stupid) because I hide a lot. I try to show personality and such on Facebook or when I talk to people at work because I just don't want people to know. I'm really good at faking looking healthy but it always screws me up in the long run. I have those days that I can barely function (more often than not now) but I don't tell anyone. The only people I feel comfortable with seeing me at my lowest point is my mom, Tommy and my friends Sabrina and Josie. They are the only people I will not hide anything from. Even though so many others are supportive, I just can't do it.

True Ghost(?) Issues - Part1

"Though I know I  must be wary, still I venture someplace scary." - Lydia, Beetlejuice

I kinda can no longer sleep at night, thanks to Babesia causing ridiculously vivid and stressful terrorizing nightmares. It's kinda silly for me to get so stressed and weird over nightmares, but I don't think you understand the severity of said nightmares.  The reason I can't sleep is all subconscious; the first night I was afraid to fall back asleep because the dream was so gruesome and real I didn't want to experience it again.  Now, I don't care about that and I'd really like to sleep but I just can't. So, by request, I'm going to write little segments with my encounters with ghosts* that I've had. All these experiences that I plan to write are things that really happened to me, and are no exaggerated and are written exactly how I remember them happening.

*ghoststar = I don't think I necessarily actually believe in ghosts, as much as I'd actually like to believe they are there.  What I believe, ghost phenomenon is simply misplaced energy. The huge amounts of energy in your body has to go somewhere when you die, so what stops it from doing things it already knows?  I don't believe that these energy ghosts are capable of harming any one or anything, making direct communication, or interacting. . . with that being said, I love watching Ghost Adventures.

I'll start off with a simple story tonight, and will add more stories during other sleepless nights (which I really hope will stop being a thing soon).

This took place when I was still in Mortuary College, so about 2007ish. The school is a very small school my graduating class had 30 people in it which is typical. The school was set up as a square, a hall that basically outlined the auditorium in the middle with 2 classrooms, a break room, library and offices off the other side of the hallway.  On the right side of the school is the embalming labs and garages. There are two labs; first injection labs with two embalming room tables (or was it three?) and a second inject lab with six embalming room tables. Coming off of the labs were double hallways passing a 10 person sized cooler, and into the garages.

It's clean. I'm a good cleaner, and trust me, it's clean.

This school is a bit creepier than I bet you already think it is. The school is the oldest mortuary school in the United States, established in the 1800s. Lining the halls of the school are photos of every single graduating class; from the very first one to the very present, which are pretty awesome to look at.  I don't know why I threw it in there, but that's definitely not where I was going when talking about the creepiest-ness.

Everyone knows what first injection embalming is; only really called embalming, it's what is used to preserve during funerals. Embalming only enables to body to with hold its...composure...until after the funeral, when it'll start it's natural break down. Second inject embalming is what is used on cadavers for medical education.  These cadavers can last up to 5 years when second inject is done.  The mortuary college I went to provided cadavers for the University of Cincinnati.  What I'm leading up to is that the anatomical department in UC had limited room (and by limited room I mean a creepy room with maybe 50 or 100 (my memory isn't remembering the quite size) bodies in body bags lining the walls of the rooms, stacked individually on shelves.  Because UC had limited room means that my mortuary college used to hold the "overstock" (<-- that sounds so awful) in the garage.  I should throw in there that second injections don't have to be refrigerated.

Now that I have all that covered: I used to work in the embalming labs. I assisted with the anatomical program in UC, (cleaned up disrespectful medical students dissections -- they'd leave tools inside them and just a bunch of awful things you shouldn't do if you had any compassion for someone who dedicated their life to help YOU learn... not that I am bitter or anything, no.) which meant working with the coordinators at UC and organize the amount of cadavers we had going to the college. Record keeping, cleaning and all that stuff.  One of the tasks I had was being on call. It wouldn't consist of pick-ups, like a regular funeral director would, but consisted on getting the phone call from the teacher on call to go to the school and wait for whoever was dropping off the recently deceased. These calls could happen at any time in night, therefore I had the keys to the school.

One night I got a call at about 2am and headed out to the school. The keys only opened one door, so you gotta enter into the cave of the dead (garage).  Walking in there with the bodies chilling in the back of the garage (we had up to 20 at one time) was always a little creepy, but never that bad.  You'd have to walk past the cooler, which conventionally always make a loud knock and turn on scaring me right as I walk by, and then into the office (the light switch was in the office, so walking through to get to the office was just feeling around for a while.) The office was in the embalming lab that only had the two tables, but they were regularly filled.

The office has the school's security camera monitors in there, so I could just hang out in the office until I see the pick up van show up.  So that's what I did. I decided to head to the student lounge area to grab a drink real fast. The light switches I have access to in the lab only work in the lab. There's no access to any of the other lights in the hallways of the school. As I was walking back from the lounge I heard a knock on one of the school's side doors. I thought it was the funeral home that showed up and ran into the labs to check the monitors, but nothing was there. I brushed it off and relaxed back in the office of the lab.

There are two doors that exit from the embalming labs into the schools hall. The one that goes past the office, and another that is in the second injection embalming room. These doors made with tension so when they are opened they close and lock right behind them.

Thirty minutes go by and still no word from the funeral home. It's about 2:30am now, and I've really got nothing to do. This was not around the cool smart phone era, and we weren't allowed to access Facebook (and Myspace!) from the lab's computer so I played solitaire occasionally glancing at the monitors. I suddenly heard the second injection embalming room door slam, which only could have happened if someone unlocked it and opened it. I actually started to get a little uneasy at this point.  Being alone in big deserted building is one thing, but in the complete dark, surrounded  by about 15ish dead bodies... it's a very different feeling than just being uneasy.

I check the second injection lab cameras, and low and behold nothings there. I decided to head out into the garage to just check the other doors and nothing. So, I just head back into the lab. At this point I'm watching the cameras intensely trying to figure out where the noises were coming from. Do you remember the movie House on Haunted Hill? The Vincent Price remake that had Chris Katan in it? There's a part in the movie where they are watching a tape and this entity looks at the camera and does a creepy shift shaky move that's devastatingly haunting. As I'm watching the cameras the camera outside suddenly brightens and starts doing these odd jerky movements of light. Of course, House on Haunted Hill being a movie that I watched religiously years before, that's instantly what I thought of. I was freaked. (Okay, not so scary, the next morning I figured out it was a spider web with a spider right on top of the camera. Well, slightly scary because I've never wanted to see that close up to a spider in my life.)

You know, horror movies, when something scary happens you make the stupidest decisions? I knew the stuff I was experiencing was probably over active imagination, but I was still like "I don't want to deal with this" and decided to lock myself in the office until the funeral home showed up with the body. I knew I needed to watch the cameras but I was pretty reluctant, but I did.

About 3am and still no sign of the funeral home. I started to calm down a bit (not that I was at panic attack status or even near it, I can deal with a lot before it even gets to that point, if it ever does) and was watching the monitors. One in particular caught my eyes, the one on the opposite side of the school than the lab. I don't know exactly what it was that caught my eye, but something did. There was movement, not enough to register exactly what I was seeing; it was the same color as the rest of the screen, black, but it was something. I watched it carefully for a bit, and absolutely up and down swear I saw a shoe at the bottom corner of the screen, as if someone slightly walked into shot.

Now I was just getting pissed and annoyed. I get up, walk out into the school hallway slamming the door and am just angry. I walk through the halls with the dingy little light from my cell phone (again before there was an actual flashlight in them), and walked past the case of heads (restorative art heads not real ones, come on now) and through the halls. I get to where I saw the image on the camera and there's nothing there. The second I get to the spot I hear the embalming room door slam closed on the other side of the school. I break out into a run. Then it occurs to me, and I stop by the front doors. The lab manager actually lives right next store to the college. We were close friends who'd play jokes on each other and I figured it out. It had to be him because his normal asshole (silly) self. I start calling his name at the top of my lungs, circling the whole school through the hallways. The second I get to the opposite side of the school from the lab, I hear the lab door slammed close yet again. I cease my circling and taunting and run to the lab. I get to the door that leads into the second injection lab and it's unlocked. The doors are always locked when the door is closed.

My David Bowie restorative art head that was on the best in the class and got displayed in the case of heads at the front of the school!

I start searching, I got through the lab, I go into the cooler and check behind everything (everybody) and head into the garage and start checking the garage. He's no where to be seen, so I circle back to head into the office and first injection embalming lab when someone starts banging on the garage door. Its.... nothing exciting just the funeral home. I let them in and asked them if they passed the lab manager as he left, and they looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently they had been waiting there for about 15-20 minutes. Oops.

I let them in, I get the body logged and checked in, put beside the appropriate embalming table, and do the typical body identifying. To do this, you double check names and with the numbers from the anatomical lab. Before you can leave you have to open the body bag and write an identifying number on the legs of the cadaver (only for anatomical donations, not typical funeral home procedure FYI).

I open the body bag and get to writing the identification number when, of course, I hear the door open in the second injection lab. Screw it, I'm just going to ignore it this time, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't rushing. Marked the body, closed the body bag and high tailed it out of there. I got home around 3:45ish.

The next morning at school I was talking to the lab manager. I said "You're a dick. You're a flat out asshole dick." He was extremely confused and had no idea what I was talking about. He wasn't even home the previous night, which I later confirmed with another teacher who worked in the lab. When I explained to the manager what happened, he had his usual bullshit smile and said "Oh yeah, that's happened to me before..."

Haha, I must have looked bat shit crazy walking through the school at 3am yelling and cussing at nothing.

I'm not going to reread and edit, so sorry for all mistakes and errors. Goodnight.

My Encounter with Slender Man

UPDATE: This post was originally written 2/24/15 at 11:25pm after the second incident. I thought my nightly horrors were complete, but I had another encounter the following morning. This update (and title change) were done on 2/25/15 coincidentally at the exact same time.

First I'd like to describe the bedroom of this house. The house its self sits about 5 feet off the ground on an incline on the edge of Lake Lure. The bedroom window faces the lake, is about 10 feet high above a small walking path on along the side of the lake. Between the lake and bedroom are a couple trees. The screened porch is immediately on the left of the bedroom window.

I have a weird fear of open doors, so before bed I close every door in the house, always. That fear sometimes falls over to open windows. After the incidents that happened two nights in a row, I decided I would at least close the window facing the field that Quill was spooked by. After much consideration I decided not to pull the shades on my bedroom window. After all, it faced the lake and no one can possibly look or in unless they had binoculars from the other side of the lake.

Quill and I went to bed after I typed this original post. I'm a very light sleeper, especially in a foreign place, so it's difficult for me to fall asleep and stay asleep, especially with wormy wiggle butt Quill.

Around 5am Quill needed to go out. I tried to have it hold it until at least the sun coming up a little but he couldn't so I reluctantly took him out. Once outside the feeling was actually different, no creepy vibes or even weird sounds, it was absolutely quiet. Nevertheless we hurried and went back inside after he finished his business.

Back in bed I was having some trouble falling back to sleep, but finally I started to. Around 6am (unsure of this time frame) there was a very loud distinct scratching and tapping on my window that caused both Quill and I to bolt up in alarm. The sun was just coming up and there was enough light to see that there, of course, was nothing outside my window. I got up and checked around the window looking for any trees or branches that might hit the window but the closest branch was a foot or so away, and there was absolutely no wind. I turned around and watched Quill who was alert for about a minute and then settled down and rested his head, which was my cue that I could go back to bed.

The second my head hit the pillow the tapping and scratching happened again somewhat louder on my window causing Quill and I to both jump. Quill stared out the window and started his whimpering like he did the night before when staring into the black field. I got up again and went to the window. This time the sound was so loud that I thought maybe the cabin owners miscalculated my check out date and were either trying to unlock the door or were on the porch. I left the bedroom, checked the porch, the porch door seeing it was still locked, checked the drive way no cars (and still no cars at any of the other cabins), absolutely no wind, nothing. 

Quill and I moved to the couch and slept in the living room until about 11am with no further incident.

Upon cleaning the bedroom while packing, I noticed that there was actually a screen on the window. The sound I heard was absolutely scratching and tapping on glass, not the screen, so I don't understand how that happened.

I've left the cabin a day earlier than planned (huge snow storm and I didn't have the money to rent the cabin the extra nights needed to pass the storm) but I can't help wondering if I would have stayed what other phenomenons would have taken place tonight.

I renamed this post to Slender Man, because I fleetingly had that thought flutter in my head jokingly after the first night. I thought about the 1950's unsolved murder and photograph of a "Slender Man" story in Tryon, NC--about 30 minutes from where I was staying. My dad, before I even mentioned this last event joked about it being Slender Man too, so I thought it fit. Just to clarify: though these events were frightening, creepy and left me uneasy, I don't believe that Slender Man exists. Also, I'm not dead, so that's something.

I've been considering emailing the owners of the cabins and asking if anyone else has reported strange occurences, but I don't want them to think I'm odd or take offense to anything. I don't know.

Slender Man or not, that was a pretty bizarre mini vacation.

ORIGINAL POST:

I went to some cabins on the edge of Lake Lure to have a good mini vacation to get away and relax.  It's been great... in the day.  It's cold but Quill and I have gone one walks, and we've watched TV, I've done sewing things and we've been relaxing.

Though the days have been good, the nights have almost been something out of a horror movie.  This camp has 7 different cabins, 3 old ones, and 4 brand new ones.  I'm in one of the brand new ones.  None of the other cabins are occupied at all.  It's been quite.

Last night I took Quill out to potty around 9pm.  We go out, and we're only right at the bottom of the steps off the porch and he pees.  We start walking around a little bit to see if he needs to poop, and all the sudden from, what sounded like, the next cabin down, something BIG started running towards us.  It was super fast, and quickly I pulled Quill (he was in running mode too) and pulled him up the stairs onto the porch, locked the porch door and went inside and locked the front door.  By the time I was in it sounded like it was right next to my car, but we didn't stay on the porch to see what it was.  It was bigger than a raccoon definitely.  When I spoke to mom about it she mentioned maybe it was another dog.  Rarely would a wild animal run towards you, so maybe it was just a friendly dog?  I didn't want to go out there but I needed to take Quill back out.  So I actually bucked up and went out there.  Quill was very reluctant but we did our last pee of the night (11pm) with no incident.

The next day I looked to see if I was still the only person in the area and I was.  The day went good, Quill and I took a couple walks, explored around and so forth.  It was fun.

About thirty minutes ago, I took Quill back out to do his 11pm pee-pee time.  Last one of the night.  We walk out there, and he was again weird about walking down the stairs but I didn't think anything of it.  I had the flashlight on my phone on, the front door open so if we happened to run against anything again, that we'd be able to run in quickly without fumbling on the lock on the door.

Standing outside in the same spot, Quill quickly pees and I'm looking around and being extra cautious because of course I'm very jittery at this point.  We take a couple steps to see if he needed to "other potty" and then Quill stopped.  My cabin is the closest to the lake, across the dirt road is one of the old cabins and then a very big empty field behind it.  Quill is starring off into that field.  I think nothing of it, because, you know, he's a dog he looks at weird things.  But then he started to act like he was hearing something.  Okay, so I take a few steps towards the porch steps, but still am kinda waiting on him to go to the bathroom.  Suddenly, Quill is intensely starring into the pitch black dark field and starts growling.  Now, Quill is not a growler.  He just doesn't do it (except at that weird lady in walmart once).  So in a matter of seconds his growl turns into a whimpering cry.

Of course, you know, that's my cue to get the fuck out of there, and we ran up the stairs, and got into the porch and closed and locked the door.  This time I decided to maybe see what was out there, and stood on the porch (behind the locked screened porch's door) and look for a little bit.  You know what dogs get protective the hair on their back stands up on the ends along their spine?  That started happening to Quill as he sat in front of me growling.  It was time to go.  We ran into the house locked the doors, and to hell if I'm going out there again tonight.  I pulled the blinds on the window that faces that field, it just freaked me out to be able to look out (or see in) when it's dark.  Door are double locked.  I've checked the porch door like three or four times, and I know I'm going to check the front door another 4 times probably before I go to bed.

I was suppose to stay an extra night, and leave Thursday morning.  Actually though, the weather is suppose to get really bad over Thursday night and I figured it would be better to leave earlier to get home safe, than try to go through the storm and end up being stuck here and having to pay for a few more nights.  Tomorrow it's suppose to snow up to 8 inches!  After this incident tonight I am actually happy to leave one night earlier and not have to wait to see what surprises tomorrow night holds for me....

Keep in mind, last time I was at Lake Lure I was the sole guest at a famously haunted hotel full of creepy paintings and tons of antiques, Lake Lure Inn, and Church and I had a ball--the weirdest thing that happened there was someone walking on the floor above me all night long when there was no one up there.  But that stuff doesn't creep me out... It's the "what the fuck is out there in the woods looking at me and stalking me".  This is why I'm afraid of open doors.  Also remember, I was the one who lived alone in a funeral home built in 1800's for several months (that's a totally different story)... so I really don't scare easily.  These last two nights though is a very different creepy feeling.

These events made my tummy ulcers hurt.

Quill's First Musical: Wicked

Quill saw his first musical and theater production today, WICKED with Josie, mom and dad.

First, about the musical! It was so good. I've been waiting to see it since it came out, I had read the book way back when that first came out. I always wanted mom to read it because I fell in love with the different perspective. It instills the fact that you can't judge a book by its cover. The music was wonderful, the costumes were spot on, the mechanics, like the Wizard was amazing, I absolutely loved this musical. I cried several times (but my downs from the Ketamine make me extremely emotional I believe.) the story, again, was phenomenal. I can't believe I actually saw Wicked!

Now to the service animal part:

I was so scared about bringing Quill to see Wicked. I didn't know what to expect with the noise level and the crowds and I was so worried. Mom called and talked to the manager before hand, and they said it's perfectly fine and they were more worried about how loud it was and people not seeing him.

Luck would have it, before I even got Quill mom stumbled upon getting the box seats, which (for all you Peace Center goers) it's no more expensive than regular seats you just have to search for them, and they are hard to find. We had our own private seating area, with a door) where we had plenty of room to set Quill up with his bankie and bully stick.

I'm so proud of him, he didn't even make one peep, even when it was extremely loud. He watched the first couple minutes with me and then fell asleep, didn't wake up until intermission and then fell asleep again when it came back on. He did wonderful. Also, the people at the peace center are super service dog friendly. They didn't even hesitate or give Quill a second chance.

The only bad part is that with Quill, it'll be hard to sit in the regular seats, cause he'll have to be on my lap, and the seats are so cramped the can't stay on the floor. When Cookie comes into the picture there is no way regular seating will be possible. Cookie is just too big unless we use him as a foot rest. I've never actually seen service dogs at any plays or shows before, I guess maybe they put them in the handicap area where there's more room? I'm not sure, but (this is going to sound selfish) I'm worried that both mom and I having service animals will limit our ability to do theater stuff, or concerts. 

Anyways, Quill did so good, today was the first time we used the over the shoulder leash, and it worked really well.

I couldn't be happier with how Quill was today. Good experiences like this make me not as scared to have a service dog. Cookies trainer, Nicole, says it gets easier over time to grow a backbone and say "he's a service dog, you can't refuse me service" and be so shaken up about it. Today I was proud to have such an obedient little puppy at my side.

Pet Cemetery

Today was an extremely hard day, both physically and mentally. I had ordered a headstone for Oliver that we placed today. We also cleaned up the pet cemetery (which I keep typing as pet Semetery thanks to Stephen King), cut down a bunch of trees, and we cut some down so there will always be a ray of sunlight on Oliver. We also bought ceramic markers for all the cats buried there (Coco already had a headstone), and some of the cats that have just disappeared.

We still have a little bit more to do. We are going to the pottery place to paint little tiles for Dynamite, whose buried there, and all of the other animals we've had but didn't get to bury for whatever reason. (Cleo had to get an necropsy so she was sent away, Markie, Max and many others just disappeared-- animals have a tendency to run away from home when they are close to death.) Once those little tiles are done we will hang them on tree around the cemetery as a memorial.

The last thing we did was place Oliver's marker. His headstone can be seen from the house, like mom wanted, and it's so bittersweet. I don't want Oliver to be there, he needs to be here sitting next to me. I know it's extremely hard on mom, and I hate seeing her upset. At least we have that forever marker that says "if love alone could've kept you alive, you would have lived forever." The bear and Olivwr were drawn by Tommy and I designed the headstone. I love and miss Oliver so much.

Here are pictures of the cemetery, it looks really good. I'm so glad there's a beam of sunlight that will always be on Oliver. He was moms sunshine.

Memorial - Raiden Puddin' was one that was very old and ran away after 13+ years with us to pass.

Coco was the first dog I remember having. He was a sweet heart and ended up passing away during the blizzard of 93. He was old, and we started to realize he was sick and brought him into an office we had in the basement. Mom stayed with him all night and went upstairs and he died while mom was away, as if he was waiting to be alone.

Cookie the cat was Coco's best friend. She was devastated when Coco died and always laid in Coco's favorite spots. She missed him so much. She is buried here.

I found Crash and his brother Boo when they were kittens so young their eyes were still blue. They were randomly on a window sill at my apartment in Cincinnati freezing in the cold. We brought them back here because there were no no-kill shelters in Cincinnati and we couldn't let them die. Boo and Crash always slept on top of each other and loved each other so much. Evil raised them and was a good cat dad. Crash disappeared not too long ago, I believe he was stolen by a girl who lives up the road and hordes cats.

Hate and Leo were brothers. Leo was my baby and Hate was Tommy's. Hate died very young from feline leukemia. He's buried here. Leo stayed around for a long time, I used to sneak him into the house when mom and dad weren't home and let him sleep in my bed. He was an extremely sweet cat. I believe the girl up the road took him too.  I still refuse to believe that Leo died. Leo was also Chez's best friend, and when Leo disappeared Chez got extremely depressed. She wouldn't leave her cat house even to use the bathroom. It took mom and I 2 and a half years to finally get her to come out of the house to eat and use the bathroom. She's still very skittish.

Tara we didn't have for very long, when we got her we didn't realize that she was deaf and we didn't really know until right before she died. We came home one day to find her killed by dogs. She was a sweet girl, so loving. 

And Oliver, who I still can't believe is gone. The poor baby. I miss him so so much, and so does Church. Mom is devasted, and it's extremely hard. I'm glad he'll always be covered in sunlight and we can look out the window and see his headstone.

Here's the overall cemetery, from left to right is Crash, Raiden, Oliver, Cookie the cat, Coco, Tara, Leo, and Hate. 

😔😔😔😢😢😢it's been a ridiculously hard day.

Balsamic Pickled Onions

Balsamic Pickled Onions

Gluten Free

Vegetarian

Very good on sandwiches (especially cheesesteak type sandwiches) or salads and such.  Had them on a steak sandwich at Whole Foods and wanted to make my own.

Prep time: 5 minutes

Cook time: 30 minutes

Serves: 3

Ingredients:

1 medium onion, thiny sliced

2 Tbsp. sugar

1/4 cup water

1/4 cup apple cider vinegar

1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

Instructions:

1. In medium microwave safe bowl mix sugar, water, and vinegars until blended.

2. Put mixture in microwave for 2 minutes on high (or until boiling).

3. Add onions and stir.  

4. Pour onions and mixture into a closable container.  Seal and let stand in room tempurature for 30 minutes.  Serve. 

Light Chipotle Aioli

Light Chipotle Aioli

Gluten Free

Vegetarian

Great for dipping fries, adding to burgers or sandwiches.

Prep time: 5 minutes

Cook time: 5 minutes

Serves: 6

Ingredients:

2 Tbsp chives

2 cloves garlic, minced

2 tsp fresh lime juice

salt

pepper

1 cup Hellmann's olive oil reduced fat mayonnaise

1 Tbsp chipotle hot sauce (or chipotle chili powder)

Instructions:

Whisk mayo with chives, garlic, lime juice and chiptole hot sauce (or powder) to taste.  Season with salt and pepper.  Chill and serve.

Red Robin Copycat - GF Bleu Ribbon Burger

GF Light Bleu Ribbon Burger
Red Robin Copycat

Gluten Free

Sometimes I really crave Red Robin, but their burgers are so packed with calories.  Here is a lighter version that can easily be gluten free, or vegetarian (add a boca burger).  

Prep time: 15 minutes

Cook time: 20 minutes

Serving: 1 burger

Ingredients:

1/2 Tbsp light chipotle aioli

1/4 cup reduced fat crumbled blue cheese

1 slice fresh tomato

1/2 cup lettuce, shredded

1/2 Tbsp butter

1 slice onion, raw

1 hamburger bun (Udi's for Gluten Free)

1 Bubba Burger, Turkey (Boca burger for Vegetarian)

1/2 Tbsp A1 Steak Sauce

Instructions:

1. Cook burger according to instructions.

2.  In a frying pan, spread butter, wait until warm, put buns in pan face down until golden brown.

3. Create sandwich with all ingredients.  Serve.

After PK and Ketamine

I'm finally home from my almost 3 weeks in San Francisco.  I'm so glad to be home, I missed my kitty baby, and it's nice to sleep in my bed.  I don't have to travel again until the end of May when I got back to the doctor.

The Patricia K Protocol (PK Protocol) went well, I think.  I had complications with my veins almost immediately after starting it.  I had a perphial line put on the first Monday, and by the next dose, it was bleeding out, swollen, painful and wouldn't flush.  Jim and Stacy, the RNs are very talented, especially Jim.  In the past he's put lines in that don't hurt, has the easiest time finding the hardest vein, and so on.  It was difficult.  For some reason my blood started clotting extremely fast (which he said is very common in lyme), but I've never had that issue before.  He'd put a line in, step away for not even 5 minuntes to mix medications and came back and it would already be clotted up.  We learned early to hepron as soon as the line was put in.

My veins would not draw back which is extremely unusal.  When putting a line in, they draw back a little bit of blood to make sure that it's correctly in the vein.  My lines were in the veins, but they wouldn't draw back.  Jim said it was a good thing just incase I lost an arm or something, but he's not seen that happen too often.  My veins collapsed several times, and had a blow out a couple of times.  My arms are still bruised, sore and have swollen areas.

The medication for the PK protocol is rough on the veins.  They cause them to close us sometimes, they cause them to just ache.  The one in particular that did this, of course I can't remember the name of it, but it was yellow and light sensitive.  Tommy called it pee, Jim called it radioactive.

I did the IV Ketamine treatment the last Thursday I was there.  I had to miss the PK protocol that day becuase they can't be missed, and had to go to Dr. G's new office which was near downtown San Francisco, kind of near the Castro.  I was very nervous about doing the Ketamine, I know I've read a lot of good studies on it, mom, Tommy and I did our research on it and we knew it was safe, but the idea of it was nerve wracking.  Dr. G was very nice, we actually did it in his actual office, so he could sit with me the whole time and watch.  As it started it was okay, until I moved my head and then it 'swooshed' over me and made my head feel really weird.  I started to feel more and more disconnected from around me.

Dr. G said "oh, there's only been one case of death... the guy was doing it unattended and did too much, and ran out naked into the street and got hit by a bus."  (Just to clarify this wasn't a patient of Dr. G, this was the only death reported from all of the studies done with Ketamine and depression).

The feeling was pleasant at first.  Mom said she could see the stress melt away from my face almost instantly.  I got giggly and I felt very disconnected, almost like an out of body experience.  I could hear and understand what Dr. G and my mom were talking about but it was so far away.  Things felt different, I was very interested in the functions of my hands for a while.  Things got difficult to move, like I had to physically thing about making my foot kick, or force myself and it was so difficult just to look up at the IV to see how much I had left.  The pain was instantly gone, my mood was extremely improved, and as the IV ended, within 10 minutes, I wasn't in a high state anymore and was able to walk out of the office.  I was perscribed the nasal spray, Dr. G said it shouldn't give me as much as a high, but is almost as effective.  He wants me to do it once a day until the effects start to last longer.

Ketamine, in small doses like I did, will chemically reset your brain, nerve receptors and all, fixing the pain and depression practically instantly.  There are no long term negative effects and it's not addictive.  The following day after the Ketamine treatment my pain was back and was 2 times worse than before.  But Dr. H & Dr. G said that it showed signs that it actually worked, which is awesome.  I just need to do more doses until it actually sticks.

After speaking with Dr. H today, he says I may need more than one dose a day, which kind of scares me.  I think I am going to start with every other day and go from there.

My body is finally accepting oral medications, so hopefully no PICC line for a while.  We will see how my body holds up. I've been completely gluten free since yesterday (not the biggest milestone, but you know, it's good.)  I was mostly gluten free while away in San Francisco but Vegas it was hard to do.  Like Tommy said "no one goes to Vegas to eat healthy."

After the trip to San Francisco we met Tommy, Shannon and Dad in Vegas to meet mom's diabetic alert dog, Cookie.  He was WONDERFUL he was so beautiful and took to mom instantly.  He instantly went and laid in her lap.  It was so sweet.  Nicole, the trainer, who brought Cookie was extremely sweet (and has a dog of her own named Cookie who looks like Quill.)  Quill got along so well with Cookie and they soon became best buds.  It was hard to say good bye but we will get to have him soon.

It was difficult for both mom and I after meeting Cookie, thinking about Oliver.  It was really hard on mom, but she stayed strong.  Certain things just remind us of Oliver and it breaks us down.  It didn't help that we walked into PetSmart in Vegas and there was a cat that looked so much like Oliver sitting there during their Pet Adoption day.

I'm exhausted, and I'm tired.  But I want to thank everyone who was in touch with me during my treatment.  It was an extremely difficult couple of weeks, and I really appreciated the short notes of encouragements, the cards. Josie sent a wonderful care package to the hotel that definitely put a smile on our face, and was wonderful.  Tommy stayed with us the first week in San Francisco to help, and I am so grateful for that.  I don't think we would have been able to do it without him.  Shannon was in town too visiting her mom and Brian, and came by to see how we were and spend time with us.  It was very nice.  Nicole, who lives in San Francisco, kept in touch and wanted to meet up, but neither of us felt like it, but she kept in touch which was really nice.  I got so many notes from people just saying "hey, I know this is tough, hang in there."  "Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you".  All those messages were so meaningful and made me feel loved.  I really appreciate it. It was all so thoughtful, and loving, I can't thank you enough.  You all made everything easier during this time.

Pepper and Onion Burritos

Pepper and Onion Burritos

Vegetarian

Gluten Free

I originally tried this as an enchilada, but when it cooks, it dries out and I didn't think it was so good.  The filling of the enchiladas was so good before being baked, it would be so delicious as burrito stuffing.  I use gluten free tortillas because I'm trying to be gluten free, but regular flour tortillas will work just as well.

Prep time: 30 minutes

Cook time: 10 minutes

Recipe makes 5 burritos

Ingredients:

1 can pinto beans (optional)

1 medium onion, raw

1 medium green pepper, raw

3/4 cup plain low-fat greek yogurt

1 1/2 cup salsa

5 flourless tortillas

1 can diced tomatoes with green chilies

1 4 oz. can of green chilies

2 teaspoons your favorite taco seasoning (mine was provided my lovely Allison!)

1 Tbsp diced fresh garlic

1 cup shredded cheese (either cheddar or mexican queso melting cheese (for Gluten Free, shred your own cheese, as regular packaged shredded cheese has a anti-caking agent that has gluten in it)

1 tsp canola oil

Instructions:

1. In a medium frying pan add canola oil to cover bottom and 1/2 tablespoon of garlic.  Sautee pinto beans (optional), green peppers, and onions until lightly browned.

2. In a mixing bowl mix greek yogurt, 1/2 cup of salsa, rest of garlic and taco seasoning.  Once mixed, add mixture into frying pan with peppers and onions, mix well and set off of heat.

3. Microwave tortillas until they are hot.  Fill each tortilla with about 4 scoops of filling.  Fold and plate burritos.

4.  In a large bowl, mix remaining salsa, can of tomatoes (drained), and green chilies (drained).  Use mixture to cover burritos. Add shredded cheese on top and put in oven on broil until cheese has melted.  Serve.

Fresh Vegetable Soup (Vegetarian, Gluten Free)

Fresh Vegetable Soup

Vegetarian

Gluten Free

This isn't my picture of the soup, first off.  I forgot to take a picture, but it looks very similar to this.  This is a recipe that I found on weightwatcher.com and modified.  Originally this soup was an appetizer but I added rice and changed some of the vegetables around to make it an actual meal.  Served with a piece of bread, it's actually a very filling meal.  To view the original recipe, click here.

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Serves: 6

Ingredients:

3 cloves of garlic, raw (minced)

2 medium carrots, raw

3 cups cabbage, raw

2 cups broccoli, raw

1 medium white onion, raw

1 medium red pepper, raw

2 ribs celery, raw

2 tsp thyme

7 cups vegetable broth

2 Tbsp parsley

Salt to taste

Pepper to taste

2 Tbsp lemon juice

3 cups Basmati rice, uncooked

1 Tbsp butter

Instructions:

1. In large pot, mix all raw vegetables, garlic, and thyme with broth.  Cover and bring to boil over high heat.  Once boiling, reduce to low and simmer, covered, for 15 minutes.

2. Add 3 cups of rice to a seperate saucepan with water and butter, and bring rice to boil.  Reduce heat to low and let rice simmer for 10 minutes.

3.  After rice and soup has sat for approaprate amounts of time, add rice to soup.  Add salt and pepper to taste, and 2 Tbsp of lemon juice.  Stir and serve.

Quill's Birthday

Mom and I just realized that my last in office Dr. H appointment was on 9/23, immediately after Tommy and Shannon's wedding. This was the appointment where Dr. H told me that getting dog was a really good idea for me. This was also the same day that Quill was born! I feel like that means something significant!

On a side note, I hate being away from my Church baby for so long. Especially after what happened to Oliver, I hate that I'm not there to hug her daily. Dads sending me pictures every day though.

(church with Oliver's hump bear in the background.)

January 2015 Dr Appointment

Saw Dr. H this morning and completed day 3 of the patricia k protocol. With the PK protocol I'm up to 8 amps (started at 2.) they make me feel tired and have a huge headache and immediately after getting home I'm in bed. Today I slept for about 3 hours.

I had a perephial line placed Monday. Wednesday the vein blew out and the line had to be pulled and was moved to my left arm. It was fine, but this morning the IV wasn't feeling right, there was a weird pressure while it went in, it wasn't painful just felt different. I asked Jim if he could pull the line and he did. The place were the line was inserted is extremely sore and swollen. I had a weird rash on my arm for several hours afterwards. I don't know what happened to my line this time. Jim told me that my blood is coagulating extremely fast (which happens with lyme) but has never been an issue for me. Now my line will get clogged inbetween IVs, like in 5 minutes.

Next week I do ketamine treatment Dr. g.  I can't do the PK protocol that day so I'll just be skipping it.

I'm starting to add IV magnesium every day to my routine. I'm increasing lamictal to 100mg a day (5mg 2x a day). Lamictal  is a medication that's an add on to my antidepressant to try and help it work.

I'm adding the following antibiotics to my treatment:

Alinia

Septra

Suprax

I'm starting to do lymphomyosot shots daily to help my lymph nodes drain. I've done this before it's made from spider venom. :)

Increasing probiotics, adding castor oil topically to my liver, and adding the supplement catecholacalm 4 times 2/3 times a day. So that's it for right now. We will see how I feel. 

Patricia K Protocol

Tomorrow I started the Patricia K Protocol. The following is what I'll be doing every day for the next two weeks through IV:

Step 1: drip sodium phenylbutyrate - Sodium phenylbutyrate is a salt of an aromatic fatty acid.^[1] The compound is used to treat urea cycle disorders, because its metabolites offer an alternative pathway to the urea cycle to allow excretion of excess nitrogen.

Sodium phenylbutyrate is also a histone deacetylase inhibitor and chemical chaperone, leading respectively to research into its use as an anti-cancer agent and in protein misfoldingdiseases such as cystic fibrosis.

Step 2 & 5: Lipostabil ( Phosphatidylcholine ) the ‘German’ registered trade name of ‘Essentiale 303',consists of essential phospholipids from soya that are specially formulated for intravenous administration. Phospholipids are extremely important components of cell membranes. The integrity of the cell membrane is critical to the proper functioning of the cell. As the cell ages the phospholipid composition of the membrane changes and the cell's functions deteriorate and it loses its normal shape and elasticity. Eventually the cell dies and is destroyed by the immune system. Damage to the cell membrane, and thereby aging, is thought to be mediated by the actions of highly reactive chemicals referred to as free radicals. The damage caused by free radicals must be repaired in order to preserve normal cell function, and in order to do so, the cells need an abundant supply of the essential phospholipids phosphatidylcholine and deoxycholic acid. Lipostabil Phosphatidylcholine contains these important phospholipids and other essential nutrients that allow cells to repair damage and restore youthful function.

Step 3 & 6: Leucovorin is a reduced folic acid.  Leucovorin  is used in combination with other chemotherapy drugs to either enhance effectiveness, or as a "chemoprotectant." 

What Leucovorin Is Used For:

• In combination with fluoruracil to treat cancers such as; colon and rectal, head and neck, esophageal, and other cancers of the gastrointestinal tract. 
• As an antidote to effects of certain chemotherapy drugs such as methotrexate.
• Treatment of megaloblastic anemia when folic acid deficiency is present.

Step 4 & 7: Glutathione exists in both reduced (GSH) and oxidized (GSSG) states. In the reduced state, the thiol group of cysteine is able to donate a reducing equivalent (H⁺+ e⁻) to other unstable molecules, such as reactive oxygen species. In donating an electron, glutathione itself becomes reactive, but readily reacts with another reactive glutathione to form glutathione disulfide(GSSG). Such a reaction is probable due to the relatively high concentration of glutathione in cells (up to 5 mM in the liver). 

So, here we go.

Oliver, pt 2

It's been very hard to talk about Oliver's sudden death.  A lot of people have been curious about what happened and today mom decided it was time to talk about it and to share what happened.  She wrote the following and posted it on facebook:

I would like to thank all the people who showed interest and compassion in the recent death of Oliver. All the nice words, the texts and just acknowledging his death means more than words can express. Everyone who knew him loved him so. He was so sweet and incredibly loving. Several have asked and more have wondered what happened to Oliver last Tuesday (Dec 30, 2014). I apologize for the delay in answering this question, but the suddenness and disbelief is overwhelming. 

Last Tuesday afternoon Jamie and Oliver were sitting on the couch together like a hundred other times, nothing special about that day and nothing much different from every other day.  Oliver got up, jumped off the couch, fell on his left size and seized. Jamie screamed his name and I ran into the room to find him on the floor. I reached into his mouth and felt nothing in his throat blocking his air. He seized two more time. His eyes were moving slightly but he was limp when I picked him up. We ran to the car and Tom drove us the closest vet.  Jamie breathed two breaths of air into his mouth. As we approached they saw us, met us in the lobby and took Oliver. They asked us to wait in a room. When the vet came in she said he had passed.  She also said she could not find any evidence of stress, trauma or toxins. She suggested he either had a blockage or a blood clot. 

At the vet everyone was kind and very supportive.  I know by the look in their eyes they were also hurting.

Tommy and Shannon hopped a red eye and were here early the next morning. 

The outpouring of love and support is tremendous and greatly appreciated. 

“If love alone could have kept him here, he would have lived forever.”

Thank you all for caring. <3

Oliver always brought a smile to my face, he had so many odd little quirks.  I really still have a hard time believing that he is gone, and will occasionally swear I hear his collar, his footsteps, his mew, and his little feet around the house.   Life in this house will never be the same without him.

In my family, we don't have pets.  We have family members, and this is just as devastating to us as a loss of a human.  He was my little (annoying, stinky) fluffy brother.  I will miss his tremediously.

Below in the pictures is the story of how Oliver came about.  We let mom name Oliver, but she wanted help from Tommy and I.  When I met Oliver in the humane society, I instantly thought of the Disney movie Oliver & Company and started singing the "You and Me Together" song to him.  After telling mom, the name Oliver stuck.

I have so many pictures of Oliver, but these are my absolute favorite.

Stealing Church's Princess Pillow

My absolute favorite of Church and Oliver together, hugging each other in their sleep.

Oliver and Evil.

This llama means a lot, it was the llama my papaw was holding when he passed away.

Snuggle time with mom, every night, you could always find them snuggling together.

Aaron's first visit with Sabrina, about Oct 2013.  They bought a book of cat hats and put them to excellent use.

Smart.

Lookit those beautiful eyes

Petting cats with the hammer of Thor.

One of my absolute favorites of Tommy and Oliver.  How to hold a cat.  (He loved when Tommy did silly stuff like this.)

I remember this picture, I was going through some very bad days and Oliver took over Church's cat  nursing post to sleep with me.

He loved to watch Frank.

More cat-nursing with some of my first IVs in 2012.

His favorite spot, on the back of the couch looking out the window.  This is where he was hanging out with me right before he passed away.

I'd wake up at 4am and come out into the kitchen to get a drink to find Oliver sleeping in the chair he KNEW he wasn't allowed in.

"Oh, hey, is that Jason?"

This picture is so adorable.

The first picture ever taken of Oliver.  Tommy had moved to Amsterdam and we had had Evil staying with us until he went over seas, mom was sad that there wouldn't be a cat in the house.  I went to the humane society to find mom a kitten to surprise her with Christmas.  There was a new liter of kittens, about 4 or 5 of them.  I sat down on the floor to meet them all, and immediately Oliver crawled into my lap, started purring and fell asleep.  I instantly knew he was the sweetest, and wanted to take him home (even though we agreed we were just looking for a kitten, wasn't going to get one yet.)  Oliver came home with me that day, and stayed a couple weeks at my then boyfriend's house until Christmas day when we surprised mom, in 2005.

This picture of Oliver is so sweet. Taken after redoing the downstairs room.